We've all played with them. They exist out there and there's nothing that can be done to stop them. Some are funny, some are tragic and then there are those that make you sad to know that we share a gene pool. Grunge Gamer presents part one of the most loathsome multiplayer gamers.
The Multiplayer "MVP" - There's an I in team, and it's ME.
Regardless of gametype or objective, the MVP is out for one thing, stats. Playing a HQ match in Call of Duty? He's the guy not capturing anything, but racking up kills. Playing team deathmatch? He's camping off to the side, making sure he doesn't get killed in order to keep his K:D ratio high. The enemy flag could be 2 steps from being returned, but he won't touch it because he doesn't want to leave his perch, picking off unsuspecting players as they run by. Nothing makes you want to strangle somebody more than playing with this person.
The Strategist - Ok, you 3 go north, I'll take the other 2 and go west. NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I SAID NORTH!
Almost the anti-MVP, this player will lecture you on everything. Lambasting you for not having the right equipment, cursing you for not following his direction or scolding you for letting him get killed. He's got a plan for everything and you better listen up, otherwise, you're in for a long session. Somehow, the strategist just doesn't understand that some people play games to have fun, not to win.
The Music Man - What was that? I couldn't hear you?
Microsoft did a very smart thing with the 360; they gave everybody a headset. They also did a very terrible thing; they gave everybody a headset. The music man constantly has music blaring in the background, making it impossible to communicate with your teammates. Music in the background is annoying, but it can be even worse when you have your own personal live edition of Lil Wayne's Lollipop screamed into your ear by a 13 year old.
The Absent Parent - I SAID I'LL MAKE YOU DINNER WHEN I'M DONE!
Hear that child screaming in the background? Hear that person screaming back at the kid? That's the absent parent. Nothing will deter him from finishing his session. His 2 year old could be drowning in the tub, but he's hard pressed to drop what he's doing for fear something may happen in his game that he can't be a part of.
The Puritan - Come on guys, there are children playing this game, don't swear.
You're playing a FPS online, blood, bullets and frustration are flying everywhere. An errant bullet hits and kills you, so you let off a fuck, shit or christ. No big deal, right? To most, that would be fine, but to the puritan, you're in for a world of hurt. His 8-12 year old kids are playing and they can hear what you say, see what you type. Seriously? They're playing an M rated game and they rate games for a reason. Don't let little junior play something that is past his age bracket if you don't want him hearing or seeing choice words. A very big fuck you goes out to the puritan. You're a special type of cunt. Don't try to enforce your perfect version of child rearing on me or society because you can't be bothered to explain context to your offspring.
The ADHD Gamer - I can't stay focused on this one, let's playing something else.
Every 5 minutes, the ADHD gamer is switching titles. Sometimes, there just isn't enough time in a day to play all of the games you want to. This gamer just hasn't figured that out yet and will switch titles at the drop of a hat. It can be especially annoying if you're playing on a game service that notifies you when a person starts playing a game. I'm looking at you Steam.
The Constant Gamer - How do you find time for all of this?
AKA The Insomniac. Doesn't this guy have a job? Where do they get money to buy new games and keep their subscriptions up to date? There's not much to say about this gamer except that we all wish we were him.
The Power Gamer - I beat that game a week before it was released.
The power gamer has the hookup. He gets games early and will dominate you on day one. He's already played 45 games of Madden by the time you sign on for the first time. He's prestiged 7 times in Call of Duty prior to you even leveling up. Many times, the power gamer and the constant gamer are one and the same.
The Pwner - Dude, you just got pwned.
2000 called and they want their reference back. The pwner can often be found playing Halo and tea-bagging his fallen foe. There are several reasons I don't play Halo, but the number one reason is the pwner. Usually a 13 year old kid, they make you want to launch your controller across the room.
Dirt McGirt - No disrespect. RIP ODB.
Dirt McGirt is filthy. Unless you know this person in real life, you may never realize. Playing in the same clothes from a week ago, skidmarks and all. Fromunda cheese everywhere. The odor makes you wish like you were smell deaf. Typically, a MMO gamer, they'll forego hygiene in an effort to quest.
Stay tuned for part two...
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